It has been ages since I have written and honestly that just happens sometimes. I am very guilty of letting life wash over me like a giant wave, helpless against its strength and weight only to resurface many months later with a feeling that only a small amount of time has passed even though it has been significantly longer.
I have felt like that a lot lately… Waves of work, anxiety, more work and daily stuff have been knocking me down more and more over the last few months as I race back and forth from job to job to home to dinner, to bath time to my computer…. In an attempt to steady myself, I have been keeping my body rigid and gripping the sands of time with my toes, but it’s only made it worse. Fighting the flow only makes the waves crash into me without care or tenderness. And yet I continue to dig in deeper, planting my feet, grasping at the air and just skimming past the sensation of control.
And as I look up to gaze at the horizon, I see the people I love, just out of reach. And I know if I simply walk out of the water, I can join them. But I am caught in the current of doing it all and being it all—and telling myself it’s best for them, that I am doing it "for them." And yes, I do some things for them, but is it what they need or want from me? Spending time together is the best thing I can “do” for them, and for me, I know that. But when you’re swimming against the tide, the thought of slowing down can feel like defeat, not reprieve.
All the while I press on, time slipping by like the water’s wake behind me. One day I'm taking the back to school pics and a minute later they are stepping up to the next grade and I think but how is that possible? How much time has passed? A month? A summer? A year? But it’s undeniable, my kids are taller and I have more gray hair… And so, it’s time to make my way toward land.
I know these next few steps to shore may be the hardest I have taken in a while, but I know they are essential. Just like I know that one day the waves of my life will lift me up and let me float to surface in the sunshine.